What life is there left to be???

Life has been so blissful when I got married to a wonderful loving husband 30 years ago. The joy of the marriage was intensified over the years when God gave us a daughter and a son. I have always thought that I am so completely contented in life. I feel so secured and loved by my husband. Though we were not financially well to do and always having to struggle to meet ends meet, the love relationship that existed within the family between husband and wife, children and parents were complete and sufficient to bring us through every challenge that comes our way. As a family, we have done a lot of fun things and activities together. Family times spent were quality times. I have a husband who puts us first before himself. Our happiness were all that matters to him. He worked hard always trying his best to provide the best for the children and me. He loves us dearly. He is a man of not many words but his actions shows it all. We loved him so dearly too.

30 years of marriage ended so abruptly when he collapsed at the early hours of the morning with a massive heart attack. I lost him that day. It is the saddest day of my life. My world crushed. I felt that I have been ripped apart so greatly. I was devastated. My dreams fell apart and I am lost......lost in a state of total unbelief. Is this really happening? Am I in a bad dream?? Questions starts flowing. My mind is numbed with questions I could not find answers to!! This has been my state from that fateful day. All my joy just flew out of the window. I lost focus and concentration. I wakes up daily feeling that my life have also ended. I tried to focus on God but could not concentrate and always ended up being angry with him for allowing it to happen. All the whys come flowing in again and I complained hard to God. I guess He can take it because each time when I complained and complained till I have nothing left to complain, I just feel His loves comes down and embraced me. I would wept and wept and end up all tired till I fell asleep.

It has been 56 days now since the day he left me. Every morning I wake up still hoping that it is a bad dream expecting to see him sleeping soundly beside me. Oh dear God.....why??? Why did You allow it to happen this way??? Why did You give and take away??? You said You loved us with an everlasting love. Then why did You ever break our hearts like this?? What am I suppose to do now??? How am I going to go on???? I can't bear the emptiness that is within me!! I wept and I wept...

My husband has been such a great great part of our lives all these years that everywhere and every place we go and everything we do is so filled with memories of him. The children missed him so dearly and tremendously. Our grief is so great and overwhelming. We wept and wept. Our hearts aches like it has never aches before each time we think of him and the longing for him intensified. As we set our eyes on his favorite chair in the living room that seems so empty and bear, we longed to see him there. As we sat around the dinning table, our hearts aches as we gazed at the empty chair at the head of the table. I longed to hear him call "mummy", "girl" or "boy" but instead now there is only silence in the air. I yearned for his laughter and craved to see his funny ways but it is all never to be now. I could only stroll down memory lanes through all the photos he has taken over the years on all the activities we have done and the holidays we have taken all these years.............What life is there left to be when our dearest and most loved is taken away from us?????? How can God fill and repair that part of our lives that has been totally ripped off??..... I guess the children and me will never know till we get to the end of that grieving stage....